"The darkest hour is just before the dawn."

... A proverb, I suppose. I know the quote from listening to Crosby, Stills and Nash as a junior high kid. And it actually doesn't make sense, since of course as the sun rises over the horizon gradually, slowly covering the stars with a blanket of light. But, as a saying, it's sometimes heartening.

I write honestly here because, really, I don't think many people read this (hi, James, if you're catching this again... :-)). I wanted to write about the finance class we had on Friday in class, and I started an entry yesterday... but I couldn't write it. I couldn't work through the blaring irony that, more so than any time in my life before, I'm broke. I had these great experiences this "semester", which I am so grateful for, but it's been very hard to find a job that will work with my upcoming rehearsal schedule (I rehearse at basically all times I could work at a restaurant). Lessons and parking and train tickets have depleted my last paycheck from OSB. So all of the fabulous information about savings and chipping away at debt is for naught.

At least for now. I'm having a moment of pointed frustration that will hopefully be a dark time before things get better, easier. I am faced with many issues regarding my "package" as a singer and there are vocal issues I need to iron out while finding and rehearsing the right audition pieces, but everything we do as a singer takes money. So it's a catch 22... and it's just getting me down today.

But I'll be honest, I looked up what it takes to get into law school today. I may have my recent addiction to Law and Order to blame for that, but that was actually the only A+ I ever got in a regular class that wasn't art or music. I think it has more to do with the fact that I have had a bit of a cough and my coaching with Martin Katz didn't go as well as I would have liked. He's great (obviously!) and his comments actually steered me in the right direction with my set of arias, but I really wanted to sing awesomely for him. And I was just mediocre. Dammit. But it's almost funny how, despite loads of encouragement and successes over the past months, one negative experience makes it all seem somewhat hopeless. Like how do you ever make money, have a family... or even a relationship, a home? I think I might love being a lawyer, or a teacher, or even a librarian! And there are moments where I guess you have to think, "Do I really want to be a singer so much that none of that none of these things are an option?" It's an easy question to answer... but the problem is that you have to keep asking it at every juncture.

I'm hoping, as my title suggests, that this is just a dark moment before things brighten and improve. I have direction, which is a start. All I need now is a job to pay for lessons...